TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, GAINS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it would include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That's the eyesight at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical development-slash-luxurious property calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Sure, the man who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. And not the same old Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're speaking Damascus, town historically known for historic tradition, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It'll be huge. Large!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golfing cart Zoom phone, streamed with the putting green within Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We have experienced beautiful ceasefires in Syria. Some of the finest. But now, we're setting up them with balconies."



Welcome for the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca in the falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and entirely out of put. Intended by Slovenian organization Ivana & Sons, the tower features:




  • A a few-ground On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Satisfied Hour until the drone flies")




  • In addition to a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses described mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten a long time for potable h2o. But yes, confident, let us have A further location in which American Adult males can don robes and get in touch with it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains as well as a pillow menu, certainly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international coverage analysts are calling this the most audacious peace try given that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Even though preceding negotiations unsuccessful underneath the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's system is simpler: offer you All people a collection within the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


Based on paperwork posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal features "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration among rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is certainly comfortable electric power," claimed political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a deal in addition to a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO would not. Geopolitical gridlock wants less diplomats and even more minibar upgrades."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mainly into gold-plated intercoms installed in Each individual unit. The UN Exclusive Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity mentioned, "It isn't really that Trump shouldn't open a tower inside a war zone. It truly is that he must halt employing it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked concerning the task, replied, "You are aware of, man, I after rode a camel in Beirut. Fantastic people. Terrific tan. In any case, do I continue to have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "foreseeable future proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred for the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory on the Levant."



Satellite Shots Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit revealed that the resort's landscaping varieties an enormous Trump head noticeable from Area, a aspect becoming marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is created from refugee tents along with the chin is… nicely, categorised.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits after locating the constructing's gold plating reflected a great deal sunlight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and set fireplace to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It truly is not simply hideous. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," mentioned Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing and various Puzzling Functions


Probably the strangest element from the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made of:




  • A silent atrium in which guests may ponder obscure disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, complete with climate Manage set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic display.




Regional Syrians are Doubtful what to generate of the. "Is she a ghost?" questioned twelve-yr-outdated Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising Approach: "Should you Bomb It, They Will Arrive"


The ad campaign, not too long ago leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. 1 poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxury is For good."


Yet another slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee retailers:


"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to Notice."


General public reception is wildly divided. A latest SnapPoll conducted within a hookah lounge exhibits:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this tends to escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% explained "the place's the nearest elevator for the West Bank?"





Trader Praise: "Finally, a Crisis That Pays"


The job is now attracting attention from Global buyers, such as:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights being a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who explained he'll buy 3 penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




In accordance with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial stage will likely include:




  • A Greenback Shop of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Referred to as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Trump Tower Damascus Escape Home According to the Iraq War





Comment Area Chaos


Over the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb post about the disclosing, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Won't be able to wait to find out a marriage in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades in place of rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Ultimately, a lodge where by my PTSD can have convert-down provider."


Another article from @KuwaitiKardashian simply requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officers worry the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Reports recommend:




  • China may possibly open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly offered to create a Tesla showroom around the Golan Heights powered by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. In accordance with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has presented to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the top ground "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Remaining Views within the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In the closing ceremony that concerned a few camels, a flamethrower, plus a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed around the speakers:


"Damascus desired hope. It wanted gold. It essential a waterslide shaped like the Structure. I gave it all 3. You might be welcome."

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